Photo: Archive

Grief: Remaining Vulnerable to Love

I have discussed grief and loss in previous meetings between The Psychiatrist and You. I believe that most people need a broad education about death, grief, affliction, and mourning.

One of the conditions that is favorable for avoiding complicated grief is grief education. Among the potential complications that an abnormal grief reaction can cause are drug, alcohol, and other substance abuse, social isolation, the onset of anxiety-depressive disorders, and even an increased mortality rate from suicide.

Some studies conclude that grieving people have a higher morbidity and mortality rate than the general population. It has been shown that after a major loss, two-thirds of grieving people progress normally. While the rest experience alterations in their physical, mental, or both health.

Grief can increase the risk of psychosomatic illnesses, cardiovascular disease, and suicide, and a quarter of widows and widowers suffer from depression or anxiety in the first year after the loss.

Conceptualizing Grief

Grief is conceived as the loss of a family member or loved one, with its psycho-affective consequences. Its external manifestations and rituals, and the subsequent psychological process of change.

In other words, grief is the normal reaction after the death of a loved one. It involves a relatively long and painful process of adaptation to the new situation. Processing grief means coming into contact with the void left by the los. Assessing its significance, and enduring the suffering and frustration it entails.

In a broader psychoanalytic sense, it represents the state of loss of any being, object, body part, or function that is emotionally important to the person. Its intensity and duration depend on multiple factors.

When is grief resolved?

We can say that a grief process is resolved when the person who has suffered the loss is able to remember the deceased without feeling pain. When they have learned to live without them, when they have stopped living in the past and can once again invest all their energy in life and the living.

Suggestions to help you grieve properly

  1. Give yourself permission to grieve. Allow yourself to be unwell and vulnerable. You may think it’s better not to feel the pain, or to avoid it with distractions and activities, but eventually, the pain will surface. The time to grieve is now. Accept the fact that you will feel less attention and interest in your usual activities and friendships, your life will be different, and you will have to change some habits.
  2. Allow yourself to feel the pain within you. Remain open to the pain in your heart. Feel and express the emotions that arise; don’t suppress them. Don’t act strong, don’t keep everything to yourself. Over time, the pain will lessen. Feeling and expressing the pain, sadness, anger, and fear caused by the death of your loved one is the only way to heal and heal the wound of loss.
  3. Give yourself time to heal. Grief for the loss of a person who is emotionally very important to you usually lasts between one and three years. Don’t create magical expectations. Prepare for relapses. You may be fine today, and an unexpected event, a visit, an anniversary, Christmas, New Year’s, or other significant dates may make you feel like you’re back to square one, like you’re going backwards, but that’s not the case. The most difficult moment may occur around six months after the death, when others begin to think you should have recovered by now.
  4. Be patient with yourself. The emotions you are experiencing may be very intense, but they are temporary. Try to live in the present moment, no matter how difficult it may be. Be kind to yourself. The worst enemy in grief is not loving yourself.
  5. Don’t be afraid of going crazy. You may experience intense feelings of sadness, anger, guilt, confusion, or despondency, and a desire to die… These are common and normal reactions after the death of a loved one.
  6. Postpone important decisions. Decisions like selling your house, quitting your job, or moving to a new place should be left for later. You probably can’t think clearly enough now, and you might regret it later. It’s also generally not a good idea to start a new relationship until you have adequately resolved the loss.
  7. Don’t neglect your health. After the first few days, it may be very helpful to make a schedule and stick to it (wake-up time, meals, bath time, bedtime). Eat well and take care of your body. Don’t abuse tobacco, alcohol, or tranquilizers.
  8. Don’t self-medicate. If you need to take medication to help yourself through these times, always do so at the discretion of a doctor and never on the advice of well-intentioned family, friends, or neighbors. Remember that taking medication to “stop feeling” can contribute to chronic grief.
  9. Photo: Archive
  10. Seek and accept the support of others. Stay connected with others. You need their presence, their support, their concern, their attention. Give your friends and loved ones the opportunity to be there for you. Know that they want to help you, but don’t know how. They may fear being inappropriate or hurting you if they remind you of your loss. Don’t wait for their help; ask them for what you need.
  11. Try to be patient with others. Ignore people who try to tell you how you should feel and for how long. You will feel that some don’t understand what you are going through. They’ll try to make you forget your pain; they do this so they don’t see you sad. Remember that they want to help you, but they don’t know how. Find people you trust who will allow you to “be upset” and let you vent without fear when you need to.
  12. Give yourself permission to rest, enjoy yourself, and have fun. Give yourself permission to feel good, laugh with friends, and joke around. You have a perfect right to do so, and it can also be very helpful if you find moments to enjoy yourself, without forcing your own pace. Remember that your loved one would only want the best for you.
  13. Trust in your own resources to move forward. Remember how you were able to resolve other difficult situations in your life. Tell yourself often: “One day I will find my serenity.”

The death of a loved one is considered the most stressful life event a human being can face. Losses often involve changes, and adapting to those changes is a process that takes time and in which suffering is experienced. Sigmund Freud wrote about this: “We all have losses, we all grieve, we all survive.”

To conclude, I invite you to analyze this quote by John Brantner: “Only those who avoid love can avoid the pain of grief. The important thing is to grow through grief and remain vulnerable to love.”

Israel Manuel Fagundo Pino
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