Why can some people form deep and secure bonds, while others struggle to trust or are afraid to get close? What might be the reasons why some people find it difficult to establish new interpersonal relationships? What about individuals who tend to respond abruptly and even aggressively for no apparent reason?
Why do some children throw tantrums on the first day of school and refuse to stay? Why do others not resist staying, but are later seen alone, with their heads down and withdrawn from the group, showing no enthusiasm? These questions may have explanatory answers from a psychological theory that has gained prominence in recent years.
Attachment Theory and Its Impact on Our Interpersonal Relationships
During my years of work as a psychiatrist and psychotherapist, author, and communicator on mental health topics, I have observed that one of the most important issues in human life is attachment—the issue of how we form bonds with others. Attachment is a deep emotional bond that initially forms between a young child and their primary caregivers, typically their parents. It’s an innate need to seek love and protection from those who are meant to care for us. Who are meant to love us deeply more than anything else.
The type of attachment we develop influences how we relate to others throughout our lives, making our existence more or less complex. Human beings tend to seek this closeness, this proximity, to receive love and care. We don’t survive if we aren’t cared for. If we aren’t loved by others who help us navigate life as we learn to be independent and self-sufficient.
So, the issue with attachment isn’t whether you have it or not, because one thing is clear: we all have it. The question is: What is my attachment style? The answer will shed a lot of light on explaining certain situations that might otherwise be difficult, controversial, or even chaotic.
Attachment Theory
British psychologist John Bowlby was the first attachment theorist. He described it as a “lasting psychological connection between human beings.” This psychologist was interested in understanding the anxiety and distress that children experience when separated from their primary caregivers.
Thinkers like Freud suggested that babies become attached to the source of pleasure. Those in the oral stage of development become attached to their mothers because their mothers satisfy their oral needs. Some early behavioral theories suggested that attachment was simply a learned behavior. Proposing that it was merely the result of the feeding relationship between the child and the caregiver.
Since the caregiver feeds and nourishes the child, the child develops attachment. Bowlby observed that feeding did not lessen separation anxiety. Instead, he discovered that attachment was characterized by clear patterns of behavior and motivation. When children are afraid, they seek the proximity of their primary caregiver for comfort and attention.
Attachment is an emotional bond with another person. The first bonds children form with their caregivers have an enormous impact that lasts throughout their lives. While behavioral theories of attachment suggested that this was a learned process. Bowlby and others proposed that children are born with an innate drive to form bonds with their caregivers. Throughout history, children who maintained proximity to an attachment figure were more likely to receive comfort and protection and, therefore, to survive into adulthood.
The central theme of attachment theory is that primary caregivers who are available and responsive to the infant’s needs allow them to develop a sense of security. The infant learns that their caregiver is reliable. Which creates a secure base from which to explore the world.
What determines a successful attachment?
Attachment theory tells us that there are four ways or styles that people have of attaching to their loved ones. Depending on how they were raised and educated during childhood. Attachment style is the way a young child responds to the way they are loved and cared for by their parents. If the parents provided consistent support, unconditional love, and were attentive to the child’s needs.
That child will learn that love doesn’t hurt, that they can trust their caregivers, and above all, that they can trust that they are worthy of being loved. The problem arises when our upbringing instilled responses that are like survival strategies in a less-than-friendly environment. And this can manifest in various ways.
The four main attachment styles:
- Secure attachment: Children who can depend on their caregivers show distress upon separation and joy upon meeting. Even if the child is upset, they feel secure that their caregiver will return. When frightened, securely attached children feel comfortable seeking reassurance from their caregivers. This is the most common attachment style. Research suggests that 81.8 percent of people have a secure attachment style.
- Anxious or Ambivalent Attachment: Children with an anxious attachment style become very distressed when one of their parents leaves. Due to the parents’ limited availability. These children cannot rely on their primary caregiver’s presence when needed. Research by Cassidy and Berlin estimated that between seven and 15 percent of American children had an ambivalent attachment style. More recent research indicates that about 13.2 percent have an anxious/avoidant style.
- Avoidant Attachment: Children with avoidant attachment tend to avoid their parents or caregivers. Showing no preference between a caregiver and a complete stranger. This attachment style may result from abusive or neglectful caregivers. Children punished for relying on a caregiver will learn to avoid seeking help in the future.
- Disorganized Attachment: Children with a disorganized attachment style display a confusing mix of behavior, appearing disoriented, dazed, or confused. They may avoid or resist their parents. The lack of a clear attachment pattern is likely related to inconsistent caregiver behavior. In these cases, parents can provide both comfort and fear, leading to disorganized behavior.
Secure attachment fosters trust. Anxious attachment fosters distress. Avoidant attachment fosters hopelessness. And disorganized attachment fosters fear. The fear that if I ask for something, I’ll be punished. If I say I need something, I’ll be judged. And this is a child, a little girl, who lives with a great fear, but also with a great need to be loved, like all of us.
We all have a type of attachment, so it’s necessary to identify it. The one we have may make some areas of life difficult, and it can affect our relationships, not only romantic relationships, but also work relationships, relationships with friends, and it will also affect our relationship with ourselves.
Because attachment, in essence, is about how we learn to expect love from others, what we believe our place is in relation to others, and how we think love and care are. Do they hurt or not? Do we trust others or not? That’s what it’s about.
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