In previous meetings I have referred to the couple and their possible problems, which are very diverse and sometimes complex. This time I am going to comment on a very sensitive subject: infidelity, one of the most frequent and devastating causes of crisis in this type of relationship. There are the most controversial criteria about infidelity, so I invite you to analyze it.
Although there are important differences between studies on this behavior, most agree that between 40 and 50 percent of adults have been unfaithful at some time in their lives. The figure varies from country to country. For example, in Spain a 2016 survey suggested that 20 percent of Spaniards, men and women, had had a sexual relationship with someone who was not their partner, but sociologists insist that the figure must be much higher, and could be increasing.
What is marital infidelity?
It is the breaking of a promise to remain trustworthy to each other in a relationship (whether marriage, dating or common-law). Infidelity is an abuse or misuse of the trust placed in the other, it can destroy a relationship and the individuals involved. Desolation, anguish, anger, confusion, torment, insecurity and low self-esteem are some of the emotional reactions that someone who has suffered from sexual or sentimental disloyalty may experience. Sometimes the infidelity ends the relationship, and sometimes couples are able to repair it with their own means or with the help of a therapist, often making the relationship stronger. In either case, it is important that each partner works to assimilate what happened and repair the damage done, for the well-being of both.
The definition of infidelity has not changed at all with the advent of the Internet. To be unfaithful is simply to break a couple’s trust when secrets are kept away from conjugal intimacy. In short, we are also unfaithful to our partner when we lie to him/her consciously and knowing that our behavior is not correct.
It is convenient to talk with the partner about what we tolerate in our relationship and what we do not. Which practices are considered as infidelity and which are not, is something that each couple decides, through explicit or implicit rules accepted in this regard. The problem is that many times these rules are not clear and, in any case, the Internet can give rise to many misunderstandings. It is a pity that many couples do not talk openly about this, because it is convenient to know how far each one can go.
New technologies are accelerating the emergence of new infidelity practices. Although the Internet does not make the inclination that leads us to be unfaithful increase, it is true that it facilitates its practice.
In recent years, in fact, there has been a proliferation of portals that explicitly offer services for extra-marital relations. And they are succeeding. In addition, new technologies are accelerating the emergence of hitherto unknown practices that we do not know how to qualify. Is it considered an infidelity to have a sexual encounter through a webcam? The massive consumption of pornography? Flirting with another person by chat?
Regardless of the tools used to be unfaithful, the reasons why we cheat on our partner remain the same as always.
What leads us to be unfaithful is always our natural impulse to sex. In this sense it is necessary to remember that the human being has “a contradictory programming”, on the one hand he wants a stable partner to form a family, but on the other hand he wants to satisfy all his sexual desires, which often include more than one subject.
The motives for being unfaithful stem from our impulses, but they are varied. Although each case has specific components, the same reasons are repeated over and over again in consultations. Robert Weiss, a renowned American psychotherapist and relationship specialist, has compiled a list of the psychological motives underlying the cases of infidelity he has treated over 20 years of clinical experience for the publication Psych Central, which, in many cases, can occur simultaneously.
Eleven reasons that lead to infidelity
– Monogamy has never been accepted. The subject has never intended to be monogamous. Despite having married or accepted a commitment. He or she has never wanted to have sex only with his or her partner. Marriage, for him or her, would only be a sacrifice made to maintain over time a relationship that they consider satisfactory. Monogamy for these people is nothing more than a nuisance, something to avoid, rather than something to maintain.
– Our partner does not give us enough. This is a very common reason for being unfaithful. The subject finds that his or her partner does not give him or her enough love, time and attention that he or she considers adequate, and that the spouse’s family, children or work do. Many times these people are not aware of their emotional needs, they do not talk about it with their partner and, finally, they end up being unfaithful.
– We believe that love has disappeared. The unfaithful subject erroneously perceives that love is over in the relationship, because the sexual and romantic intensity of the first steps in a relationship is no longer present. The reality is that, in healthy couples, as time goes by, love transforms into greater commitment, intimacy and trust.
– There is an emotional void. If the relationship is unsatisfactory, the most normal thing is that, sooner or later, one of its members ends up being unfaithful. Especially if the couple’s problems cause one of the two people to distance themselves from other close people or friends. Sex and romance are used to fill an emotional void.
– We know we’re leaving our partner, but we want to have someone in the bedroom. It’s as simple as that. Before we face reality and tell our partner that for us the relationship is over, we look for an alternate, so that we can replace our partner as soon as the decision has been made. Often this is done unconsciously, but it is done.
– We feel insecure. The unfaithful person feels inferior to his or her partner: older, uglier, with less money… Infidelity serves to reaffirm his or her value in the love market, to raise self-esteem by considering himself or herself desirable. The problem is that infidelities caused by this motive are not usually meditated, and regret is just around the corner.
– We get bored. Even though the relationship may be generally satisfactory, at some point one of the parties simply gets bored and wants to try something special. He or she finds mysterious and intense pleasure in a secret relationship.
– “Out of sight, out of mind.” This is usually coupled with any of the other reasons. We think that as long as we don’t get caught we’re not hurting anyone. The problem is, sooner or later, you end up getting caught.
– We want to retaliate. Some people cheat only as revenge for a behavior of their partner that they consider unfair. Perhaps as a suspicion of infidelity on the part of the other party, before communicating anything, we prefer to be unfaithful ourselves.
– We have unresolved trauma. According to numerous studies, people who have suffered in childhood some kind of trauma such as emotional abandonment, physical abuse or sexual abuse are more likely to be unfaithful with respect to their partners. As Cañamares explains, fidelity is also educated: “You are more unfaithful if you have seen certain behaviors in your family environment. Not only infidelity with your parents, but also with other family members or friends”.
– We have irrational expectations of what our spouse should offer. These people expect their partners to grant them everything they ask for, and fulfill all their needs. When their partners inevitably fail, they feel that infidelity is justified. In these cases, as Cañamares says, education also plays an essential role: “Spoiled children are more likely to be unfaithful, because they have not learned to overcome their desires”.
I will comment on the consequences of infidelity, the reactions of those who experience it, and other aspects of the subject in a future meeting between The Psychiatrist and You.
Translated by Aliani Rojas Fernandez
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